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"77 Ways To Smoke Grass in 70's High School"

by Ron Slater

1. Leave all of your notebooks in the car so you can retrieve them one at a
time. (This way you get to smoke before every class).

2. Smoke underneath the hooded ventilator fans in the chemistry classroom (to
get rid of the evidence).

3. Write yourself a doctor's excuse to get out of class/school, go anywhere,
and toke yourself numb. Come back and tell them you're on heavy medication.

4. In the girls bathroom, take the top off of a tampon wrapper. Remove the
tampon. Fill the empty hole with pot. Roll it up on both sides and flame it
away. Then smoke some cigarettes (so the bathroom will smell normal).

5. In Metals/Jewelry class you can always smoke in the room where you melt
stuff (not to mention that you always have a flame handy).

6. Lunch break: anything goes.

7. Before school, empty out half a cigarette, load with weed and smoke during
recess.

8. In between classes, open your locker, light a Tokeless Pipe(TM), and
exhale into the locker (or someone else's locker...)

9. In the cafeteria, take some weed, put it on the food of your choice, and
much out.

10. Take a Journalism class. This way you get the full "use" of the darkroom.

11. Keep failing Driver's Ed until you get an instructor who smokes pot.
While practicing your skills, keep taking the wrong turns until you run out
of gas. Light one up while you wait for a ride.

12. Run up to the school nurse, throw up in her face, and get sent home. Load
bong and mellow out for the rest of the afternoon.

13. Light up underneath the bleachers at the football field. (WARNING: A lot
of people have been busted here).

14. In Auto Shop, they let you test drive the cars when you're done working
on them. Drive off, light up, air out, and drive back.

15. Move slow... it takes a while for everybody to get to a pep rally --
ample time to blow a reefer. To be discrete, use a smokeless Pen Pipe(TM).

16. Play an instrument in Band class. That way, you can sign up to use the
practice rooms (or should I say "opium dens").

17. Go on as many field trips as you can (as if you didn't want to anyway).
It's harder for them to keep track of you, so it's easier for you to split/
slip/spleef off.

18. Run for student council, so you have the temporary building all to
yourself.

19. Use any religious holiday you can think of to get out of class. Leave and
worship the Red-Budded One.

20. Gals: in Home-Ekkk, stash your weed in the oregano spice bottle. Cook
spaghetti with lots of "spice."

21. Smoke, score some more weed, smoke some more, all in the safety of the
assigned "Smoking Section." (Be sure to keep a regular cigarette burning).

22. Trip fire alarms -- for when you're really jonesing.

23. Join the F.F.A. (Future Farmers of America), smoke out in the animal
trailers where the stench will hide anything.

24. At the pep rally, wait for everyone to clap for the cheerleaders. Then
take a hit off that three-foot bong.

25. Become an Audio-Visual (A/V) nerd. This gives you free access to wander
the hallways. Smoke in the closet where they store all the film and slide
projectors.

26. Start a cafeteria food-fight. This is a good diversion to do a quick
one-hit.

27. Join the track team -- smoke weed while running long distance.

28. Be a hall monitor (cops get away with murder).

29. Find out which teachers get high. Eventually, you'll be in one of their
classes. Use it against them -- sell them some pot, or steal their diary
(usually found in the top drawer of their desk) for blackmail.

30. Get the back seat on the school bus -- the driver can't see you and the
people who sit in the back don't care if you smoke anyway (you'll probably
have to share, though...)

31. Create a parking lot diversion. Take turns having someone burn rubber so
the School Narc will chase after them. Meanwhile, see how much reefer you and
your friends can smoke before he makes it back to your side of the parking
lot.

32. Skip class, break into the teacher's lounge, and toke yourself silly.

33. In Health class, sit in the back row when they have the police come in an
lecture you on drugs. They usually pass around a box with a couple of joints
in it, so you can see what marijuana looks like. Roll a couple of fake joints
before class. Exchange. Ask to go to the bathroom.

34. Shop class is the time to light up; the classrooms are huge, and you can
always tell if your teacher is really involved in some project on the other
side of the room.

35. Go into the basement during lunch to explore all the nooks and crannies
while smoking bowl after bowl (even more fun with a member of the opposite
sex. Or, your pot dealer).

36. Create a disturbance and give your teacher an excuse to walk out of the
room. Example: start throwing up and run out of the room, calling for help.
(Your friends will spot you a joint later).

37. Get to know the long-haired janitor. Follow him to his "secret" spot.




38. Find a way up to the roof. Bring lounge chairs, kick back and relax.
(When's the last time you saw the assistant principal trying to make siege
on the school roof?)

39. Push out the fake acoustic tiles in the hallway ceiling, then have
someone boost you up there. Crawl around and explore while roasting that
doobie.

40. Join the swim team. You can smoke in the locker room after school and get
rid of the reek when you go swimming.

41. Call in a bomb threat; drag your feet while leaving so you can get lost
in the crowd that smokes weed.

42. Smoke underneath the cars in Auto Shop.

43. Kiss your gym teacher's ass -- "volunteer" to wash the towels after gym.
This gives you time to light up and find possible future fuel for blackmail.

44. After seeing Roots, claim it's your natural birth-right as a native
American Indian (or whatever) to smoke marijuana wherever and whenever you
want.

45. Do one-hits while dissecting fetal pigs in Biology class. The
formaldehyde overpowers the skunk weed, 2 to 1. (While you're at it, cut off
one of the front feet to use for a roach-clip later).

46. Have a "seizure" -- tell the school nurse it was on epileptic fit brought
on by glaucoma and that you have a therapeutic joint in your "medicine bag."

47. Smoke under the stairs between classes. The smoke will rise and you'll
have an escape route at the bottom of the stairs.

48. Have one of your friends fake a "bad trip" on acid. Tell your teacher you
need to take them outside for some fresh air and "talk them down." Ditch
class; smoke a joint in the parking lot.

49. In Astronomy class, complain that you thought it was AstroLOGY class and
your psychic advisor told you that it was okay to light up during the "rap
session."

50. Have an "anxiety attack" so you can go see your counselor. If you're
lucky, he/she will want to "rap" with you. Casually take out of joint and
start puffing. They'll think you're under a lot of pressure and most likely,
they'll make you put it out. But that's usually after you've had a couple of
good tokes.

51. Jim Morrison is dead, and now Elvis. Wait till Keith Moon dies, then
freak out and run out of the room screaming, "Dead! Dead! They're all dead!"
Then torch up in between buildings, in memorial.

52. Seduce any attractive teacher of the opposite sex. This guarantees you
"liberation" to leave her/his class at any time.

53. Go to class sporting some horrible bodily odor. After offending everyone
in class, they'll probably make you leave. If that doesn't work, soil
yourself.

54. Make loud accusations that your teacher is a known member of the
Symbionese Liberation Army. The louder you are, the faster they'll run to the
front office for help. Light up while waiting for the principal to take you
to detention hall.

55. On Washington's Birthday, start puffing on a joint in History class while
ranting, "Since my forefathers smoked pot, then By God it's my right, too."
If they don't let you, scream at the top of your lungs that the entire school
administration and faculty are "a bunch of oppresive Commie pinkos."

56. Bet your friend a joint that they can't spell out "SHELLOIL" on a pocket
calculator. When they give up, punch in the number 71077345 and flip the
calculator over. Toke the ganja in the slide-rule repair department.

57. In Band class, put a giant screen in your alto sax. Duct-tape all the
holes shut. Light, suck.

58. Form the longest lunch line possible with all your friends. Light up and
pass a joint down the lunch line (speed is an important factor here). If
questioned about the aroma, look stupid and point to the kitchen.

59. Girls: (hell, even guys) Try out for cheerleading whether you can lead
cheers or not. Regularly fall down and sprain your ankle so you can watch the
serious cheerleading from a good smoking distance.

60. Get on the school paper staff and become a reporter. Then demand they
send you over to Vietnam (where the real pot is).

61. Any adventure club goes on camping trips and gets you out of class for at
least a couple of days. They're also usually run by ex-hippies.

62. Become sensitive, shy, and confused. This will dupe any teacher into
cutting you 100% slack, which is always your ticket to freedom, brother.

63. Volunteer to stack books for the librarian. Disappear in the stacks and
puff away. If questioned, blame it on gas -- they'll never know the distance.

64. Drink a fifth of bourbon before you get to school; by second period,
they'll throw you out of class (if you don't pass out in class first). If
your coordination is still together, try to fire up that weed on the way home
from school.

65. Freak out in class, screaming "I don't want to be eligible for the
draft! I'm afraid to die!" Run out of the room, towards the opium den of
your choice; it will take them at least a joint's worth of time to find you.

66. Volunteer for the job of raising the school flag in the morning, so you
can salute the colors as they follow a cloud of smoke.

67. Lock yourself in the room where the faculty hangs their coats. Exhale
through their jackets.

68. Take Typing class and type yourself a note from your mother, excusing you
from that period (or next period) and have your friend sign your mom's John
Hancock.

69. In Auto Shop, have your weed stashed under the seat of your mini-bike.
Toke up when welding on your muffler.

70. Smoke a big joint before school starts. Exhale into a big glass jar with
a lid, stash the jar in your locker, and take hits off it in between classes.

71. Before school, make "ice tea" out of your pot. Keep it in the thermos of
your Partridge Family lunchbox.

72. At the formal dance, have a joint stashed in the knot of your tie. Sneak
off into a darkened corner and light.

73. During the Halloween Dance, dress up as a hippie smoking a fake joint.
Make it out of rolling paper, tobacco, and some flour. Blow through it to
make the flour puff out like smoke. Switch it with a real joint when the
coast is clear.

74. Join the Pep Club. Request huge bonfires for every pep rally. Stuff the
pile of wood with tons of paper for extra smoke. Roll lots of pin joints and
stand in the second row.

75. Act stupid so you can get thrown into the "Special Ed" class. Usually the
teacher is worse off than the students, and you're "special" -- no matter
what you do (or smoke).

76. Get a fog machine, like the one KISS uses, and light up in class. If they
suspect you're smoking weed, blast 'em with your fog machine. Use it for
cover when you run out of the door.

77. If all else fails, simply set the school on fire. The thick, billowing
clouds of smoke will hide the reek of weed, 100% guaranteed.


- from Dazed and Confused (St. Martin's Press, New York, 1993).

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