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FREAKMAIL!

Dear Freaks,

Could you tell me your names?

Thank you,
Craig Farmer
Newport Beach, California

SURE: FAT FREDDY, PHINEAS, AND, OF COURSE, FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN, AS WELL AS
COUNTRY COWFREAK, GROOVER McTUBER, AND J. PAUL GHETTO, NOT TO MENTION
NOTORIOUS NORBERT THE NARK.

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

My cat must really be dumb. He'd rather drink out of the toilet than out of
his dish. I wonder if FAT FREDDY'S CAT has the same strange quirk?

Peace,
The Mad Ecologist
Los Angeles, California

IT IS BECAUSE THE TOILET BOWL HAS A BUILT-IN SEDIMENTATION TANK IN THE BACK
WHICH ALLOWS THE NORMAL CRUD IN THE WATER SUPPLY TO SETTLE OUT TO A CERTAIN
EXTENT BEFORE IT IS RELEASED INTO THE BOWL, THUS MAKING THE WATER PURER THAN
THAT WHICH COMES DIRECTLY FROM THE PIPES. NO WONDER YOU'RE MAD, IF YOU LIVE
IN *LOS ANGELES*.

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

Is there any way you might do your strip in a way that would make it
palatable to establishment newspapers and at the same time allow you to keep
your funky integrity?

Yours Sincerely,

The Register and Tribune Syndicate
New York, New York

HOW ABOUT A DEAL: IF THE ESTABLISHMENT NEWSPAPERS WOULD QUIT PROMOTING
CAPITALIST IMPERIALISM, THE FREAK BROTHERS MIGHT REFRAIN FROM SAYING "FUCK"
OUT LOUD.

###

THOSE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS in "THE GROUPIE"

Summertime...and our hirsute heroes are settling down for a season of
procrastination...

PHINEAS: This is the life! Smokin' de ol' grass and coolin' de ol' feet by
the breeze of a $3.79 Sears and Roebuck ee-lectric fan!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: I say there's nothin' like smokin' hash, reading my
free trial-subscription magazines, and listenin' to my collection of free
record-club records!

FAT FREDDIE: Well, as for me, I'm gonna spend the summer smoking dope, eating
dope, drinking dope, and otherwise altering my consciousness!

PHINEAS & FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: The trouble with you, Fat Freddie, is you're
hung up on DOPE!

PHINEAS: (Lighting up) Here's to a summer of bliss!

"KNOCK, BANG, THUMP, RATTLE RATTLE" at the door.

FAT FREDDIE: Oh sheeee-it! It's a bust! Hide the stash!

PHINEAS & FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (Opening the door) It's just a teenybopper!

TEENYBOPPER: Hi! I just ran away from home in Council Bluffs! Your cousin
Country Cowfreak gave me your address! Can I crash here?

PHINEAS: Well, er, uh...any friend of Country Cowfreak is, well, naturally...

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (From Iowa?!)

TEENYBOPPER: (To Fat Freddie sitting out on the fire escape) Hi! What are you
doing out there? Come on in and let's smoke some of that BOO!

TEENYBOPPER: Here, let me roll that! You're making it too SKINNY and LUMPY!
Got any strawberry papers?

TEENYBOPPER: This sure is harsh! Who sold you this? You musta got BURNED!
Where's the record player? I wanna hear some music!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Looks like it's going to be a long summer...

PHINEAS: I wonder if she can COOK? That dope made me hungry!

FAT FREDDIE: Here honey -- take this bread and get us something good to fix
for dinner!

TEENYBOPPER: (Returning later) Hey, I found this guy down at the corner
tryin' to score so I brought him on up here!

NORBERT THE NARK: Groovy, man, cool. Up tight. Outa sight.

FAT FREDDIE, PHINEAS and FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (Throwing Norbert the Nark
out the window) It's NORBERT the NARK! Time for Norbert's flying lesson!

NORBERT THE NARK: (On his way to the ground) Too much, man.

FAT FREDDIE: (Dreaming of steaks) Well honey, what did you bring us for
dinner?

TEENYBOPPER: It's time you guys quit eating like bourgeois capitalist PIGS --
I got you a fifty-pound sack of BROWN RICE!

FAT FREDDIE: (Eating brown rice) Well, give me enough DOPE and I'll eat
ANYTHING heh, heh, heh!

LATER...

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: What's up? I lit a joint and our little friend didn't
come running!

PHINEAS: Oh, she and Freddie are making it in the back room.

FAT FREDDIE: Oh, NO! CRABS!

TEENYBOPPER: Crabs? All this time I thought they were little SPIDERS!

THE NEXT DAY...

FAT FREDDIE: Well, she's moved out! Said she couldn't sleep -- the bed was
too lumpy!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: What was the matter -- a PEA under the MATTRESS?

FAT FREDDIE: (Holding a giant letter "P") Hey, you're right! You suppose she
was really a PRINCESS?

PHINEAS & FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (Reeling over) TOO MUCH! OUTA SIGHT!

THE END.

###

FREAKMAIL!

Dear Freaks,

As of lately I have become an avid reader of the Fabulous Furry Freak
Brothers in the L.A. FREE PRESS. I was wondering if you do cartoons (life
realizations) in a magazine form so that I may subscribe?

Grins,
Ed Webber
West Palm Beach, Florida

THE FREAK BROTHERS, KNOWING FULL WELL THAT NOTHING LASTS FOREVER, DO NOT
BELIEVE IN THEIR OWN FUTURE. HOWEVER, A FINE EDITION OF THEIR EARLIER
ADVENTURES WILL SOON BE PUBLISHED (THE COLLECTED FREAK BROTHERS, Rip-Off
Press, San Francisco, 52 pp, 60c).

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

In the restaurant around the corner from our place there is a cat that looks
just like Fat Freddy's Cat. It is a very stupid cat and we think it is very
funny because it is always in heat. Sometimes when we are very stoned, we
find it rubbing up against our leg, and we laugh and laugh. But what we want
is for you to please bring back the cloud of stink that comes out of Fat
Freddy's Cat's ass, because that is one of the funniest things about Fat
Freddy's Cat. Could you do that some time?

Dean Latimer & Yossarrian
New York, N.Y.

YOU DISGUSTING PERVERTS, THAT IS *SUPPOSED* TO BE FAT FREDDY'S CAT'S
BEAUTIFUL FLUFFY *TAIL*, NOT A CLOUD OF *STINK*. IN COMIC STRIPS, STINK IS
USUALLY REPRESENTED BY WAVY LINES.

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

After trying many times to grow some grass from seeds out of individual lids,
we finally succeeded in gettin' one little sprout growin' out of an ivy
planter. To aid in its growth, the plant was placed under a flourescent lamp
(good U-V rays). One night just after the "screamin' blind munchies" we went
to the kitchen to do some food. Just as we rounded the corner, the household
cat, Boots, was chowin' down on the precious little 2-inch sprout. It never
grew back, but we really couldn't get pissed -- if Boots wants to turn on,
who are we to interfere? Anyway, that night we had to go score some "Kitty
Krunchies" because the cat was makin' so much noise scratchin' at her
breakfast bowl!

R.T. Abernathy
Edgewood Arsenal, Md.

###

THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS in "FAT FREDDIE'S HOT DATE"

FAT FREDDIE'S DATE: (Talking on the phone) Sure, I'd like to come over to
your house, Freddy! That'll be a GAS! You'll have to come pick me up at my
parents' house...and BE STRAIGHT! My folks are UPTIGHT, you know!

FAT FREDDIE: Yeah! We can listen to my records and read my comic books and,
uh, make out on my waterbed! Heh heh!

FAT FREDDIE'S DATE: Sure, Freddie! Only I don't take the pill, you know! If
we're gonna make out, you've gotta get something to make it SAFE, you know!

FAT FREDDIE: (Walking across town) I guess that means I gotta go out and buy
some RUBBERS!

FAT FREDDIE: (Entering the drug store) I...I've never bought any rubbers
before! They sell 'em at drug stores, I think!

FAT FREDDIE: Oh, MY GOD! There's a LADY at the counter! She probably doesn't
know what "RUBBER" means! And I can't think of another word!

FAT FREDDIE: Er, uh...Could I speak to the MANAGING PHARMACIST, please?

MANAGING PHARMACIST: What's the problem?

FAT FREDDIE: (Jeezus! Everyone's looking at me! I'll just have to BRAZEN it
out!)

FAT FREDDIE: Just give me a GIANT BOX of your CHEAPEST RUBBERS, my good man!

MANAGING PHARMACIST: Our least expensive prophylactics sell for $4.95 a
dozen, sir!

FAT FREDDIE: Well, gimme a DOZEN! I got a HOT DATE tonight! Heh heh!

FAT FREDDIE: (Leaving the drug store) That was easy!

FAT FREDDIE: (That evening, at his date's door) Heh, heh...dis must be the
place...snort snuk...

FAT FREDDIE'S DATE: Daddy, this is Freddie...

MANAGING PHARMACIST: !

FAT FREDDIE: !

FAT FREDDIE: (Sweating profusely) Uh, did you ask your folks if they wanted
to go to CHURCH with us? C'mon, folks! Grab your coats! Worship services
start in fifteen minutes!

FAT FREDDIE'S DATE: ?

THE END.

###

FREAKMAIL!

Dear Freaks,

In the middle of December I sent a check for 65c to Rip-Off Press for a copy
of "The Collected Freak Brothers" and I still haven't received anything.
What's happening?

Donna Richards
Long Beach, Ca.

WELL, DONNA, IT'S A LITTLE HARD TO EXPLAIN, BUT FIRST, OUR $800,000 PRINTING
PRESS GRABBED DAVE THE PRINTER BY HIS OUTRAGEOUSLY LONG HAIR AND PULLED HIM
IN AND SQUASHED HIM INTO ORGANIC PEANUT BUTTER. AND THEN JACKSON THE
ACCOUNTANT TOOK THE ENTIRE WEEK'S PROFITS, AMOUNTING TO $3,764,100.13, AND
SPLIT TO ALPHA CENTAURI IN THE RIP-OFF PRESS COMPANY ASTON MARTIN. MEANWHILE,
FRED THE DISTRIBUTION MANAGER, ON HIS WAY TO THE POST OFFICE WITH A BUSHEL OF
BOOKS, WAS CAUGHT IN AN ARMADILLO STAMPEDE AND BARELY ESCAPED WITH HIS
WALLET. AND ALL THE WHILE, GILBERT THE CARTOONIST SAT IN HIS IVORY TOWER IN
THE GROVES OF ACADEMIA, GRADING COMICS QUIZZES, THE ANSWERS TO WHICH ARE
PRESENTED FOR YOU NOW...

                                 ANSWERS:

"MANKIND HAS GROWN STRONG IN ETERNAL STRUGGLE AND WILL ONLY PERISH THROUGH
ETERNAL PEACE" - ADOLF HITLER

"STRENGTH LIES NOT IN DEFENCE, BUT ATTACK" - ADOLF HITLER

"IT IS FATAL TO ENTER ANY WAR WITHOUT THE DESIRE TO WIN IT" - DOUGLAS
MacARTHUR

"AN INTELLIGENT VICTOR WILL, WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PRESENT HIS DEMANDS TO THE
VANQUISHED IN INSTALLMENTS" - ADOLF HITLER

...AT ANY RATE, THE BOOKS ARE ALL FINISHED AND MAILED OUT NOW, SO IF YOU
STILL HAVEN'T GOT YOURS THERE REALLY IS SOMETHING WRONG. OTHERWISE, YOU MIGHT
AS WELL GET USED TO THE RIP-OFF SCHEDULE AND RELAX, AND DON'T START WORRYING
UNTIL THEY GET SIX MONTHS OR SO BEHIND. THEY'VE GOT A DIFFERENT DRUMMER IN
SAN FRANCISCO.

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

In the COLLECTED FREAK BROTHERS, Freewheelin' Frank sez: "Smokin' grass an'
drinkin' beer together is like pissin' in the wind!" I'm confused; is this
supposed to be good or bad? And don't tell me to try it, because I just
happen to know marijuana is illegal.

Karl Schweitzer
Bakersfield, Calif.

WELL, GO PISS IN THE WIND THEN, IF GRASS IS ILLEGAL IN BAKERSFIELD!

###

THOSE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS in "FAT FREDDIE'S BIG SCORE"

PHINEAS: (Looking in the sugar bottle) Fifteen dollars remains!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Fat Freddie, take our fifteen dollars and go score us
a lid of grass!...and DON'T get burned this time!

FAT FREDDIE: (Walking across town) Hmmm...I can probably drink a few beers in
this bar and catch the last of the football game...

FAT FREDDIE: (Many beers later) Gee, I've only got seven dollars left! I'd
better go try and score that lid before it's TOO LATE!

LATER...

DOPE DEALER: Speed? Acid? Grass?

FAT FREDDIE: I gotta play my cards right....I could use some GRASS, man, if
it's GOOD STUFF!

FAT FREDDIE: (Grabbing the pot) Give it here! I wanna smell it to determine
its... (hrumph) QUALITY!

FAT FREDDIE: Uh-oh! All that beer must have killed my sense of smell! I'll
just have to take a chance...

FAT FREDDIE: How much you want for this stuff?

DOPE DEALER: That's good PANAMA RED, man! Outa sight dope! Twenty dollars!

FAT FREDDIE: Awwww, man, dope hasn't sold for that much in the last SIX
YEARS!... All I can give you is seven dollars!

DOPE DEALER: Hey dig, man: It's like the border crackdown has caused this
immense DOPE FAMINE and the prices have gone up!

DOPE DEALER: Not only that, man, but my house just got broken into and me and
my old lady got ripped off for everything but this one little stash!

DOPE DEALER: But dig, man, I'll sell it to you for SEVEN BUCKS, 'cause I need
the bread!

FAT FREDDIE: (Returning home) He seemed like a nice guy.... little fucked up,
though.

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: ARRRGH! You spent our last fifteen dollars on PARSLEY!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (Stomping Fat Freddie's face into the floor) EAT IT!
EAT EVERY BIT OF IT or I'LL KILL YOU!

PHINEAS: (Snigger) I'll bet neither of you guys know that parsley,
administered orally in large amounts, is a POWERFUL APHRODISIAC!

THE NEXT DAY...

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Hey Phineas, look at this headline in the morning
paper..."MAD RAPIST TERRORIZES CITY."..

PHINEAS: !

THE END.

###

FREAKMAIL!

Dear Weirdos,

I have a great idea for smuggling drugs on airplanes. Spray your packages
with a 25% diluted solution of the smell of a female dog in heat. As far as I
have ever seen they use male dogs to detect the dope, so you would have every
dog pissing on walls and trying to fuck everything in sight, including the
trainers. In the resulting melee, you'd merely slip away! Or else, release a
SKUNK in an airport as a friend of yours is landing with a shipment. For some
reason, dogs are a bit wary of skunks. And for revolutionary disruptive
tactics -- radio & television jamming -- look up the back issues of
SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN for how to construct an ODIEN COIL. The damned thing just
blanks everything out for about 1/4 mile. It's loads of fun during the Ed
Sullivan Show!

Ronald J. Czarnecki
Detroit, Michigan

                                    #

Dear Freaks,

I wonder if it is possible for you to *cut down* on saying "Fuck," etc., in
your comic books 'cause my parents get so FUCKED UP when they catch me
reading your strip?!?

Michael
Encino, California

                                    #

Dear Freak Brothers,

Is there any way to get a prescription to your comic book?

Dana
Louisville, Kentucky

INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE DRUG STORE, WRITE THE RIP-OFF PRESS (BOX 14158, SAN
FRANCISCO 94114) FOR AN UNDERGROUND COMIX CATALOGUE!!

###

THE FABULOUS FURRY FREAK BROTHERS in "THE PLANE TRIP"

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (Talking on the phone) Yes...yes...that's bad shit!
I'll see what I can do...

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: The Dope Dealers' News Service says there's an ACUTE
SHORTAGE of weed in NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE! Emergency supplies must be flown
in! There's no time to lose!

PHINEAS: We can pack about ten kilos inside three flight bags...

LATER, AT THE AIRPLAINE TICKET COUNTER...

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Three round-trip tickets to Nashville!

FAT FREDDIE: (Singing) "Oh, we don't smoke merry wanna in Muscogee..."

PHINEAS: Shut the fuck up!

LATER, INSIDE THE PLANE...

STEWARDESS: Coffee, tea, or milk?

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Decisions, decisions...

PHINEAS: Er, do you have any air sickness pills?

FAT FREDDIE: I wanna whiskey drink!

PASSENGER: Hey, that guy HAS A GUN!

HIJACKER: You tell the piloto to fly to Habana, Cuba or I weel use my peestol
on thees yong lady!

CAPTAIN'S VOICE: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Our
new destination is HAVANA!"

PHINEAS: Bad news! Dope is ILLEGAL in Cuba! We'll be SEARCHED and BUSTED!

SECOND HIJACKER, FROM BEHIND: That Cuba trip is just gonna have to wait,
motherfucker! This here SHOTGUN says we're going to TANGIERS!

CAPTAIN'S VOICE: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain again. Our
newest destination is TANGIERS!"

PHINEAS: Bad news again, grass is so common in Tangiers all our weed would
only be worth about $1.50!

THIRD HIJACKER, FROM BEHIND: No! We shall go to JORDAN, or else I shall
MURDER EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANE, except, of course, myself and the pilots to
land me!

PHINEAS: Bad news again! The arab guerrillas will probably hold us all as
POLITICAL HOSTAGES!

FAT FREDDIE: ...And smoke up all our dope!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: That does it! I'm not taking any more of this shit!

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: (After stripping buck naked in the center aisle) Tell
the pilot to take us to NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE or I'll DESTROY US ALL with what
I have in this FLIGHT BAG!

CAPTAIN: (To Co-Pilot) I believe him! We'd better do what he says! That's the
maddest bomber I've ever seen!

LATER, ON THE GROUND...

CAPTAIN: You're a HERO, Mr. Freak! Won't you stay and be photographed for the
papers?

FREEWHEELIN' FRANKLIN: Er...no, thanks Captain. We gotta go get DESTROYED.

THE END.

###

See more Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers stuff at Freaknet.org






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