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Internet Dating Over 50: I Want Companionship |
by:
Susan Dunn |
ìInternet Dating over 50: I Want Companionship,î
by Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach
Trying to figure out what the other person is
like, how youíll get along, what the potential is,
what the other is after, and what they mean by
what they say are just a few of the challenges in
dating at midlife. In some ways itís easier on
the Internet, and itís fast becoming the preferred
method of many midlifers.
One thing we certainly look for is someone who is
compatible enough. Personally, I prefer the word ìcomplimentary,î as I relish those dynamic differences that enrich a relationship, and it gives a nod to the dictum that opposites do attract. A psychologist once told me, as we observed an unlikely pair we both knew who had decided to marry, that ìmen marry their conflicts.î What then is the woman doing? Thereís a ying and a yang to it all, yes?
ìCompatibleî is used a lot, however, so letís
consider ñ in what ways do you need to be
compatible? Shared values are crucial, and
certain goals, such as what sort of financial
situation you want. How into traditional roles
you are, and how family-oriented you are. For
some, sharing the same religion. Certainly a
couple should have the same general idea about
what a marriage is for, should provide, and can
accomplish. These can be conversed about, but to
assess the all-important ìchemistry,î you must
meet in person. Do it as soon as you know itís
safe, I say. Youíll save yourself a lot of time
ìI was totally in love with him in writing,î
Marsha told me. ìWe both thought weíd met the
person weíd been waiting for for 30 years. When
we met at the airport, we both knew there was no
way. In person it was too compatible, like
brother and sister. Itís ironic. Our 3-month
online romance remains one of the highlights of my
life.î
Another thing most of us want it ìcompanionship.î
(For complete coverage of this topic, see my
ìMidlife Dating Survival Manual for Womenî.) I
want to caution you that it can mean just about
anything.
It can mean, when a man says he ìwants
companionship,î that heís no longer interested in,
or capable of sex.
Some people mean ìrecreational companionshipî, and
beware. It can mean ìrecreational appendage.î
Iím thinking of one man I dated who was retired,
and it turned out he wanted me to play tennis with
him every morning, golf every afternoon, then take
walks or go dancing every night, and go hiking on
the weekends. A meal might be thrown in when
necessary, for fuel, and talking, too, as long as
it was factual and related to the task at hand.
Oh, and the second morning of tennis (and last),
he arrived with a bucket of balls and told me to
ìstand over thereî, as he was going to teach me
how to serve.
The Italians say, ìThe first woman a man marries
is his wife. The second is for companionship.
The third is nonsense.î
I want a full relationship, not just a sports
buddy, and whether Iím the manís first or second
wife, I want to be the last, and a wife, not an
object. Yes, I love sports, but I love many
things, and most of all, I want to love a MAN.
That means I want emotional and intellectual
companionship, as well as recreational. If the
personís completely polarized and just after a
warm body for one specific thing, and you want a
full relationship, better to find our sooner
rather than later. Iíve been thrilled when Iíve
found ìthe perfect tennis partner,î but I wouldnít
marry for that, would you? He or she might.
Beware.
Now letís look at what people have said in actual
online profiles. Ladies first:
I enjoy having a nice companion to share good
times with. The person I would like to be with
will have a great sense of humor and the ability
to converse on many subjects.
To be able to discuss something in a loving and
understanding manner is a cornerstone of a good
relationship!
Sharing events and activities with a special
person is very important to a happy life. I enjoy
doing a multitude of things and over the years
have been active in community events as both
organizer and volunteer.
Now from the men:
I want to enjoy life with someone special and
share things they like to do and things I like to
do.
Dancing is important to me, but itís not that you
have to be a pro. Indeed, if you do not dance at
all that is probably best. Raw material! I also
love to read, go to films, plays, and rarely stay
home. So I suppose someone who enjoys that kind of
activity.
No couch potatoes please. Someone who likes what
I like ñ biking, hiking, working out, and boating.
The dance partner guy wants a dance partner, not a relationship; ìraw material,î as he calls it. Reading, plays, and films arenít shared activities. The home he rarely stays in sounds more like a base of operations. Of course Iím guessing. The thing is, read your own profile through the eyes of someone else, or work with a coach so that you say what you mean.
The woman who asks for ìa nice companion to share
good times withî? Whenever I read or hear this,
or itís cousin, ìI just want to have fun,î I know
they arenít talking about marriage. Iíd love to
share fun and good times with someone, but Iíd
also like them to stick around if and when it
isnít such fun. I want someone who will walk
through the fire with me.
That doesnít mean, as one man interpreted it, walk
through the fire FOR me. Iím not looking for
someone who will fight all my battles for me
(though some would be nice). Iím looking for a
man who doesnít disappear when one of the
grandchildren has a stroke, or shut down after a
fight, or refuse to deal with it when one of the
kids is in rehab, or disconnect when he gets laid
off. Walking THROUGH fire means staying present ñ
physically, and connected ñ emotionally, when
things get rough. When things are going well,
itís easy. The test of a personís character and
commitment is what happens when itís not fun.
The no-couch-potatoes guy? Heíll likely drag you
happily around sports courts, but if you want to
do something active that he doesnít like, like
shopping, I bet heíll redefine ìactive.î But you
know that because he ingenuously tells you he
means things HE likes to do.
The woman who wants to share activities and then
mentions her community involvement? Iíve seen
people marry because they were united around a
cause, but generally the cause dies, and there
needs to be a lot else there. Check it out.
ìWe hit it off because we were both animal
activists,î Cheryl said. ìThe problem was, I got
tired of it after a while, and it turned out it
was his entire life. If heíd treated me the way
he treated out dog, weíd still be together.î
Most people really do reveal a lot in their
profiles, if youíre willing to take off the
blinders and see it. At the same time, you need
to create your own profile in a way that doesnít
mislead others.
Kudos to those who say, ìI doubt Iíll remarry,î or
ìIím looking for someone to sail around the world
with me for 3 months,î or ìIím looking for the
last love of my life.î When you know what you
want, and speak it clearly, youíre more likely to
get it.
Keep your eyes open, love like youíve never been
hurt, and know that if itís possible in the
universe, itís possible for you.
Good luck!
©Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet
courses and ebooks you need, when you need it.
Coaching is convenient, affordable and it works.
Coach training and certification. Email me for
info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive,
no-residency program. Training coaches worldwide.
For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .
|
Susan Dunn, MA, The EQ Coach,
http://www.susandunn.cc . Coaching, Internet
courses and ebooks you need, when you need it.
Coaching is convenient, affordable and it works.
Coach training and certification. Email me for
info on this fast, affordable, comprehensive,
no-residency program. Training coaches worldwide.
For FREE EQ ezine, mailto:sdunn@susandunn.cc .
Contact him at http://www.susandunn.cc |
|
