"Weird Beliefs of the Seventies"
The seventies saw the spread of California culture (or "life-style," as it
came to be called), oozing from the canyons and condos of that state and
slopping itself into the brainpans of previously rational and intelligent
people.
Many among us began applying the words "therapy" and "training" to every
conceivable activity. And in fact much of the weirdness of the seventies
was simply ordinary everyday activities raised to the level of great
metaphysical significance.
NAME BELIEF ORDINARY EVERYDAY
EQUIVALENT
Thanatology Expending as much time, Feeling sad when
energy, money, and persis- someone dies.
tence on leaving this world
as Jewish businessmen once
spent on gaining admittance
to exclusive golf clubs.
Rolfing Neurosis can be literally Leave Sergeant
pummelled out of the body by Murphy alone with
intensive painful message. the guy in the back
room and he'll talk.
The Unification Church There is no god but the CIA, High-level political
and Reverend Moon is its corruption, bribery
prophet. and arms smuggling.
The People's Temple Kool-Aid, a sickly sweet Poor blacks and
kiddies' drink, is a other disadvantaged
dignified and courageous people band together
way to meet the afterlife. for social justice.
Primal Scream Therapy Reliving the trauma of one's Shelling out a
birth and acting out the pain couple of bucks to
will produce happiness and some gypsy to have
material success. your fortune told.
Born-Again Christianity The emotionally unstable Being stupid.
ravings of a minor tribal
deity from 5,000 years ago
were dictated by him into
Elizabethan English and are as
American as Old Glory.
"Openness" (or, "Being Sexual self-stimulation Jerking off.
Vulnerable") provides a depth of release
impossible with a partner.
"Honesty" (or, Allowing a partner/parent/ Jerking off.
"Sharing") child to witness your sexual
self-stimulation will uplift
your relationship.
Mud Baths/Hot Tubs Return to the primal elements Taking some steam.
water and fire removes the
neurotic buildup of pressures
caused by Western "civiliza-
tion."
EST (Erhard Seminars Taking responsibility for Being a boring,
Training) everything that happens in pathetic, but
your life. (For instance, reliable volunteer
being responsible for paying campaign worker for
great dollops of money to the Republican
brutal con men who deprive party.
you of physical comforts while
verbally abusing you.)
"Getting in touch with Immediate release of pent-up Kicking the shit out
your anger" anger may keep you from the family dog.
getting cancer. Or cure you if
you have cancer.
"Assertiveness No. I'm not going to write Being a pigheaded,
Training" this entry. It violates my loudmouthed asshole.
personal space, and I'm not
going to make a firm contract
with you to write it until my
real-life needs are acknowl-
edged. Give me a million
dollars and make me president
of the corporation. Then maybe
I'll think about it. But I'm
not making any commitments.
Laetrile Risking bankruptcy and arrest Risking bankruptcy
in order to eat ground-up and arrest in order
apricot pits will cure you of to eat ground-up
cancer. apricot pits.
Allen Ginsberg Wearing a suit and tie and Being an ambitious
shaving your beard make you and highly adaptable
as much a part of the decade poet from New
as being a psychedelic bozo Jersey.
did in the sixties and wearing
black-rimmed glasses and
holding bongo drums did in the
fifties.
- from NATIONAL LAMPOON, February, 1980.
---
Scandals, Urban Legends, and Other Brouhaha
1972 * Deep Throat Ordeal
What happens when a woman has a clitoris in the back of her throat? What
happens when a porn star (the infamous Linda Lovelace) claims she was coerced
into making the film? Simple, it becomes one of the greatest scandals of the
decade -- and one of the most popular porn movies ever.
1972 * Jane Fonda Goes Hanoi
Once a sex idol, Jane shocks many of her fans as she travels to Vietnam during
the height of the war and poses in an anti-aircraft gun used to shoot down
American pilots.
1974 * Patty Hearst
Debutante Makes Waves as Mesmerized, Bank-Robbing Terrorist
Mid-'70s * Candy Controversy
Urban myths abound as red M&Ms mysteriously disappear from candy store shelves.
Pop Rocks are rumored to explode, and word hits the streets that a kind of
bubble gum contains spider eggs. Looks like we never should have believed any
of it anyway.
1977 * Suicide of Freddie Prinze
Not heeding the advice of Jose Feliciano's title song, it seems Chico gets
discouraged.
1977 * Roman Polanski Splits
Roman becomes best known not for his movies, or for the fact that his wife,
actress Sharon Tate, was slain by the Manson clan, but for having to steer
clear of the U.S. because of his scandalous attraction to young girls.
1978 * Mommy Dearest
Joan Crawford's daughter, Christina, shocks with her controversial expose
detailing her mother's abuse of her.
1978 * Larry Flynt Shot
1978 * Jonestown: Who Spiked the Punch?
More than 900 commit mass suiced through cyanide-laced Kool-Aid.
Late '70s * Toxic Shock Syndrome: Killer Tampons Attack Menstruating Women
1978/79 * Death of Sid and Nancy
1979 * Skylab Is Falling
NASA's space station, Skylab, comes crashing back to earth while the world
waits breathlessly to see if it might fall on them.
1979-81 * Iranian Hostages
Americans held in the former American Embassy in Iran are released the day
Ronald Reagan is inaugurated as the new president.
- from "Retro Hell" (Boston: Little, Brown and Company, 1997).
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