Via NY Transfer News Collective  *  All the News that Doesn't Fit
sent by The Freedom Archives - Apr 17, 2005

George W. Bush Elected Pope...Cardinals Stunned!

Reported by Monsignor Guido Sarducci


The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to
choose a successor in the Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and
expressed amazement.

Cardinal Mohoney the Vatican spokesperson had this to say...

    "We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our vote's using
    these new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly
    favored George W. Bush over all the Catholic candidates. The last
    Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, fluently speaking 11
    languages, this one can't speak fluently in one language. We just
    don't know what to say."

The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as
President of the world tomorrow morning, when "W" travels to Rome to
begin his duties as Pope.

George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose
Garden:

    "I am honored to be the spiritual lighthouse, and the first War
    Pope. I promise Evangelical Catho-licks and Prostates alike that
    I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the performance of my
    duties. 

    I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to
    save as many lost souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite
    Souls, as it is well known that Heaven is a very select place,
    indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of country clubs.
    It is a members only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it. 

    I will perform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God
    used to wipe out entire races of people without warning, burning
    whole towns of perverts, killing off entire nations, and drowning
    everybody without a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall deliver the
    world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of
    Revelations. 

    I will ensure the Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased
    family members and with our departed purebred pets. I will not
    allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homosapiens to marry each other and
    I will put and end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys. 

    I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens-
    possessed voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's Pseudo-religions that
    don't accept the Lord as the Light of Democracy, and who worship
    fake, made-up gods. 

    They shall suffer my Godly Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy
    them with my Cherubic Armies of Angels and they shall burn for
    eternity in Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!"

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