"A TYPICAL DAILY PBS SCHEDULE
                                                                  IF
    PUBLIC BROADCASTING LEADERS CAVE IN TO REPUBLICAN PRESSURE"

8:00 am  Morning Stretch:  Arnold Schwarzenegger does squats while reciting
         passages of "Atlas Shrugged."

9:00 am  Mr. Rogers' Segregated Neighborhood:  King Friday sings "Elitism is
         Neat."  The House Un-American Activities investigation of Mr. McFeely
         continues.  Mr. Rogers explains why certain kids can't be his
         neighbor.

10:00 am Sesame Street:  Jerry Falwell teaches Big Bird to be more judgmental.
         Oscar the Grouch plays substitute for Rush Limbaugh.  Bert and Ernie
         are kicked out of the military.  Jesse Helms bleaches all the Muppets
         white.

11:00 am Square One:  A MathNet episode, "Ernest Does Trickle-Down."  Jim
         Varney explains how cutting taxes for the rich & spending more on
         defense will balance the budget.

Noon     Washington Week in Review:  Special guest Senator Bob Dole,
         explaining why the current pension crisis, budget deficit, bank
         closings, farm foreclosures, S & L bailouts, inflation, recession,
         job loss, and trade deficit can all be blamed on someone else.

1:00 pm  Where in the World is Carmen San Diego?:  Guest detective Pat
         Buchanan helps kids build a wall around the U.S.

2:00 pm  William F. Buckley's Firing Line:  Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh,
         John Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon
         Liddy, Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
         Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin bemoan
         the need for more conservative media voices.

3:00 pm  Nature:  Join James Watt and Charlton Heston as they use machine guns
         to bag endangered species.

4:00 pm  NOVA:  "Creationism:  Discredited, But What the Hell?"

5:00 pm  Newt Gingrich NewsHour:  Clarence Thomas and Bob Packwood present
         in-depth personal reports on sexual harassment. Pat Buchanan says he's
         being shut out from national exposure.

6:00 pm  Mystery Theater:  Hercule Poirot, Jane Marple, and Sherlock Holmes
         team up to investigate Whitewater.

7:00 pm  Great Performances:  Pat Buchanan is a guest conductor of Wagner's
         "Prelude to a Cultural War."

8:00 pm  Masterpiece Theater:  Ibsen's "A Doll's House."  Phyllis Schafly adds
         to this classic with an added scene where Nora gladly gives up her
         independence while her husband chains her to the stove.

9:00 pm  Washington Week in Review:  Guests George Will, Rush Limbaugh, John
         Sununu, Pat Buchanan, James Kilpatrick, Mona Charen, G. Gordon Liddy,
         Robert Novak, Bay Buchanan, Pat Robertson, Joseph Sobran, Paul
         Harvey, Phyllis Schafly, Maureen Reagan, and John McLaughlin discuss
         liberal media bias.

10:00 pm Adam Smith's Money World:  "How to Profit from Ozone Depletion"

10:30 pm Nightly Business Report:  Wall Street celebrates the end of all laws
         regarding anti-trust, consumer protection, work-place safety,
         environmental protection, minimum wage and child labor.

11:00 pm Insights of Dan Quayle

11:01 pm Sign-Off

- Mark Harmon, Associate Professor, Texas Tech University

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