RODNEY DANGERFIELD ROUTINE
* Good crowd.. good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm ok now
but last week I was in rough shape.. you know...
* Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
* I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for
the west!
* My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
* When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my
father... "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could.. but he pulled through."
* My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
* My mother never breastfed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
* My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
* When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
* I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
* What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!
* Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every
room.
* I worked in pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
* One year they wanted to make me poster boy.. for birth control.
* I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to
my father. He said he wanted more proof!
* My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the
electric chair.
* I went to a phreak show and they let me in for nothing.
* I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
* Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my
parents. I said to him.. "Do you think we'll ever find them." He said.. "I don't
know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."
* I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth
floor.. so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said.."On your mark..."
* On Halloween.. the parents send their kids out looking like me.
* Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off!
* Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
* When my old man wanted sex.. my mother would show him a picture of me.
* I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and
a blind man was reading my face.
* My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
* One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up
my wife!
* It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips.. yet she won't
drink from my glass!
* Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an axe!
* For two hours.. some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
* I met the Surgeon General. He offered me a cigarette!
* This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom
guys laughing at me.
* A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New
York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him.. "How am I
supposed to get from London to Tokyo?" He told me.. "That is why we give you
21 days."
* Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii. No days.. just
nights.
* My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutly no good.
* They say.. "Love thy neighbor as thy self." What am I supposed to do? Jerk him
off too?
* At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open. Boy.. what a present
he gave me!
* My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over the dog's bed.
* Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch
herself laugh.
* I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
* My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an
egg.
* I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said.. "Why should I..
you never put out for me."
* I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said.. "No.. one drag
is enough."
* I got myself good this morning too. I did my push ups in the nude.. but I
didn't see the mouse trap.
* A girl phoned me and said.. "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over.
Nobody was home!
* A hooker once told me she had a headache.
* I went to message parlor. It was self service.
* My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
* If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
* I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said.. "Are you going
to hate yourself in the morning?" She said.. "No.. I hate myself now."
* She was no bargain either. She showed up with pigtails under her arms.
* She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that...
- She got on the scale and a card came out saying.. "One at a time."
- Her bathtub has stretch marks.
- Her belly button makes an echo.
- She has her own postal code.
- She wears a "CROSS YOUR THIGHS" bra.
- She has a dress with a sign on the back saying.. "Caution wide load."
- Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.
- When guys have sex with her they ask for directions.
- One day I ran into her with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around
her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas.
- Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets.
- When guys eat her out they ask for provisions for the trip.
- Her mother ripped when she had her.
- She uses a septic tank for a toilet.
* She was so ugly that...
- She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put
a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
- I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs.
- I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
- They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
- I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to
attack her.
- She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight!
- The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.
- She has a face like a saint. A saint bernard!
* I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The
bartender asked me.. "What'll you have?" I said.. "surprise me." He showed me
a naked picture of my wife.
* During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called
me from a hotel.
* My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah.. my wife just broke up with her
boyfriend.
* One day.. as I came home early from work.. I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to
the guy.. "Hey buddy.. why are you doing that for?" He said.. "Because you came
home early."
* I went to look for a used car. I found my wife's dress in the back seat!
* Once in a restuarant I made a toast to her.. "The best woman a man ever had."
The waiter joined me.
* Its been a rough day. I got up this morning.. put on a shirt and a button fell
off. I picked up my breifcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the
bathroom!
* I had a problem. I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem... I don't know
who to thank!
* My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around
six girls and one of them had VD.
* I went to see my doctor.. you know him.. Doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah.. I told him
once.. "Doctor.. every morning when I get up and look in the mirror.. I feel
like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said.. "I don't know but your
eyesight is perfect."
* I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a
few drinks and get some rest.
* I told him I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
* I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown
necktie.
* He found a new way to cover up his bad breath... he holds up his arms.
* Why every time he smokes.. he blows onion rings.
* My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him.. "If you don't mind I'd
like a second opion. "He said.. "Alright.. you're ugly too."
* I was so ugly.. my mother used to feed me with a sling shot!
* When I was born the doctor took one look at my face... turned me over and
said.. "Look... twins!"
* And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.. I'd have nothing to play
with!
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